I am not a cook. I don’t claim to be one. Though I do try, very few times is it very successful. Well, that’s not completely true. I can make a mean chicken or and salmon with garlic and onions along with rice and steamed veggies. I have that down to an art! It tastes delicious every time I make it, and I eat it almost every night. I crave it. I am happy with this one meal. But anything else, it is a lost cause. I am not fancy. I am neither pristine nor proper. I do not know how to make cute foods, or set it up just right, or even what people would enjoy eating. For the most part, I am a very clean eater. I don’t like processed foods, heavy foods, or foods that make my stomach hurt (which is almost everything). But I do know music. And one thing I have found is that proper cooking has a lot of timing involved. Part of making good food is pacing and knowing when to start something to ensure it is ready at the peak of its flavor. I get that. And I appreciate my friends who do love that side of them and embrace it. They are gifted and seem to be filled with absolute joy when they are cooking.
I frankly just don’t care to be good at all that food stuff.
Or own all the machinery that helps you get there?
Example: last Friday I decided to make Homemade Chez-Its. I got the recipe from a friend of mine who has a cooking blog and posts twice a day(!). She is an animal! So I thought how hard could this be? I have most of the materials already. I’ll just get some cheese and get it going! (For the delicious recipe, go to goofycancook.com – Karen has great ideas! …if you can cook…)
So I ventured to the store and found my only choice to extra sharp cheddar cheese was a $5 block. Hmm, okay. I’m sure I can use cheese somewhere else after I am done with the Cheez-It portion. And I have a grater! I can do this. This is far more healthy than a box of Cheez-Its! I got home to discover, no, the hand-me-down grater was thrown away months ago when it was discovered that it was rusty. Apparently I do not grate nearly enough. Or even notice when I throw a grater away.
No problem, I thought. I will crumble it with my hands and a knife! Or just turn it into chunks as this system isn’t working. Oh, well, it will just blend in with the dough!
The next step was to make the dough in a food processor. I do not own a food processor. Nor do I desire to own one. I’m sure it makes life easier, but, again, I just don’t cook. But I do own something like a food processor: a blender! Yes, the blender will work!
The blender did not work. So, while scraping the dough out of the blender as best I could, I realized that this lumpy, floury mess was not looking like my friend’s pictures when she made them. I also decided during this process that I didn’t want to use half and half as it is too heavy. So I used light sour cream instead. Oh, and almond milk for consistency. I kneaded the dough together then panicked again when I realized I had no rolling pin to smash the dough. No problem, I thought, still attempting to be resourceful, I will put aluminum with olive oil (the only kind of oil we own) over a PAM can and that will act exactly like a rolling pin.
It did not work. I ended up smashing the dough down with my makeshift homemade pin (which the dough was sticking to) then my hands. The recipe then called for a special cutter to make the sides like a Cheez-It. Nope. Knife will do. Another special tool for the hole. Uhh, will the end of a wooden spoon work? It did. I carefully cut out the Cheez-Its and placed them on a pan. They were semi-square, and very cute. Fifteen minutes later they were a melted mess. They looked like crap. Literally they looked like little piles of cheesy poo. I should have taken a picture just to show how crappy they looked. But they tasted AMAZING!
So I can’t cook. I’m not upset about that. I also hate cleaning. I also am not good at organizing or decorating. And I hate work clothes. Oh and I don’t like accessories (I get overwhelmed), and high heels hurt my feet even though I wear them to feel foxy. I suck as being traditionally domestic. But I can play a mean bass. I can hear a song and predict its success. I have near perfect pitch and can learn to play a song seconds after I’ve heard it. I know so much useless information about many bands. And I guess it is my lot in life to attempt to be domestic. I will just never be a pro at any of those womanly duties.
In that spirit, I have written a recipe on eating like a rock star woman:
How to Cook Like A Rock ‘n Roll Lady!
1 bottle of cheap champagne (per person)
Stereo (either old school record player or computer with iTunes/Spodify will do)
Instrument of choice (I call bass!) with amplification system
Box of Cheez-Its
Step 1: Gather your ingredients. Do not attempt to go to a high end store. A 7-Eleven will do just fine. If a bottle of champagne is not available, mini-bottles of sparkling wine or a couple of personal juice boxes of chardonnay will suffice.
Step 2: Create playlist of songs that are loud and encourage singing and/dancing. I prefer The Doors, a huge slew of Motown hits, Nine Inch Nails, Led Zeppelin, Motorhead, you know, the classics. Be sure to have the slower songs for the first 30 minutes then ramp up the music after that. You’ll want to ‘experience’ or ‘feel’ the music after you’ve been drinking. You’ll also want to start putting in the songs you want to play/pretend you are performing after you’ve been drinking a little in the mix. This is a key element to the whole experience.
Step 3: Pour yourself a glass of champagne/puncture wine juice box and drink. Slowly bring the brain to a boil. Continue to pour yourself drinks as your cup will always need to be filled.
Step 4: Listen to the first 30 minutes of music and actually enjoy the beverage. Let simmer for 30 – 40 minutes. Feel free to dance and shake a bit.
Step 5: After all sides are done and you are a bit toasty, add the instrument. You are ready to play/perform in front of 80,000 people at Wimbly Stadium. Ask the “audience” if they are ready to rock, then proceed to do so.
Step 6: Once this performance has commenced and you are well done, remove from the instrument and let rest. This is important to the flavor of the dish. You don’t want to burn out.
Step 7: Remember the Cheez-Its. Tear open the bag and shove a handful in your mouth like they are going out of style. Swig your drink. Smile. Enjoy your culinary odyssey as it crunches in your mouth and post chewing spreads its cheesy paste over your tongue and lodges in your teeth.
Step 8: Pass out on your futon, instrument in your hand. Today you are a rock woman.